Anyone reading this post
has stories to tell about the goings on in their unique household. I’m sure you have
even said things that, to a neighbor listening in, would sound as though you
were drained of all coherent thought. In
this post, I want to share with you a list of ten things we say in our own home
that, while not all necessarily quirky, we should at some time record for easier playback.
Though I agree that there are likely a households out there
that repeat one or two of these phrases daily, in our House of Chaos, there isn't a saying below that doesn't go unsaid every day. Ten of the most popular are, in no particular order..
1) “NO
PASSWORD”: Each and every mother
loving day, Nolan insists on connecting with one manner or other of
electronic device. We try not to connect
him with anything that can display a movie, mostly because of numbers 2 and 3
(and in part #4) below. Because we lock
the devices, part of that objection requires us to repeatedly utter “No
Password,” to which we are met with screams, repeated volleys requesting the
secret code, crying, high decibel whines and whatever ruckus he thinks will
annoy us into giving in. If we do, we
are guaranteed to holler…
2) “NO
PAUSE/PLAY”: This should actually
read “No Pause, Play, Stop, Fast forward, Rewind, Eject, Reinsert, Freeze
frame, Zoom”, but I wouldn't have time to type all that (especially since we
only say this statement every day). Like
I said in #1, we try to keep the remotes, Wii controllers, computer and iPad
passwords, smart phones and other DVD/Netflix access points away from
Nolan. If we slack (daily) and he gets a
hold (daily) of one of the aforementioned forbidden items, he will resort to pressing
any combination of the electronic commands listed above. To do so is to feed caffeinated
cane sugar directly into the vessels of his sensory diet. That leads to us yelling…
3) “STOP
BOUNCING”: As do many kids with
autism, Nolan stims. Repetitive movie
quotes, humming in a way that mimics the Tasmanian Devil, and the “typical”
hand flapping are all daily self-stimulation activities we have come to know
and love. But, every time we cue the
intro to Spongebob Squarepants or Yo, Gabba Gabba (or any other sherbet-colored
children’s television show), our +100lb. boy starts rocking the joint --- and I
don’t mean by being musically inclined.
When he starts bouncing, the living room sways, the TV that (if I do say
so myself) is securely mounted to the wall begins to jiggle, and you can ride
the surf of the hardwood floor boards the length of the house. Then, it isn't long before we yell…
4) “TURN IT DOWN”: This may be the least fair
of all the items on this list, because --- let’s be honest --- what parent doesn't at one time or another crave peace and quiet? In this case, though, we’re talking about both
Madison and Nolan, and redundancy. It’s
every day, several times a day, that we utter this statement. Whether it’s the iPad, Netflix or that robot
we bought for Christmas, the device unfailingly manages to reach a decibel
level somewhere between “chainsaw” and “fighter jet squadron”. Ask the user to “turn it down”, and they will
--- but only until they think we can no longer hear it. Then, the child will kindly return the volume
to its previous ear-bursting level, most likely so we don’t miss out on all the
fun ourselves. Of course, while this is
going on with one child, to the other, one of will have to say…
5) “STOP
WHISTLING”: Guess what Madison has
learned how to do. All the time. Ask her to stop whistling, however, and she
will reach an indignant posture that is reserved for the most arrogant diva. We may have asked her to stop whistling because
its suppertime, Mom is sleeping or she has been at it for eleven hours. Regardless, all she heard was that she would
never again be allowed to whistle for the rest of her life. She sulks, we get upset, she has to go to
bed, then we have to say...
6) “STOP
KISSING THE MIRROR”: There’s a nice,
full-length mirror hanging on the hallway side of our bathroom door. Though she’s no sort of “clean freak”, Lori
is wiping that thing daily. It would
appear that neither Nolan nor Madison is intimidated by nor suffers from
heightened hypersensitivity caused by this shiny, reflective decoration. On the contrary; each one --- eight and nine respectively, mind you --- cannot resist placing a full-on lip smack every time they head through the
bathroom door. Not long after this, we
will have to tell Nolan…
7) “YOUR
UNDERWEAR IS ON BACKWARDS”: One might think that this phrase is reserved
for me. Rest assured, I usually get this
one right the first time without too much instructional assistance. Poor Nolan does this so often, though, that
(well, first off, it made this list; and second) I’m beginning to wonder if at
this point in time he thinks that’s just how they go on. No matter; it isn't long before we have to
beg…
8) “NO MOMMY’S BED”: This one has only been
nightly for about three months. A year
before that, it lasted a little over a year and a half. I mentioned previously how Nolan demands nightly
and repeatedly that he wants to sleep in our Lori’s bed. It isn't a quiet request and it won’t
arbitrarily happen. Oh no. Even on the off chance he falls asleep in his
own bed, by between 12:30 and 3:30 in the morning, Nolan will end up in our bed. We
no longer try to fight him on it, either.
Not if we want the rest of the house to get any kind of sleep. And, at that time in the morning, I just want
to get to my sofa. Then, in the morning,
there is no doubt Lori will have to say…
9) “WAIT FOR
IT”: We really should put that Angel Guard seat belt latch cover back on the buckle.
This nifty device keeps Nolan (any child, for that matter) from
unbuckling the belt. Otherwise, every
day as soon as the van slows to Docking Speed, we hear the dreadful ‘click’, and he is
standing up. Lori started saying “wait
for it” as she would travel the loop in front of Nolan’s school on the way to
dropping him off. If she drawls out a
slow “waaaaaait for it,” the boy will at least stay buckled in --- even though he
may think she’s playing a game. It works
in parking lots, driveways and fast food drive-thrus…go ahead, try it at home. While you are doing so, I’ll explain that we
constantly have to tell Nolan…
10) “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS”: Again, this one amazingly is rarely directed
toward me. And, once again, Nolan and his
underclothes made the list. This one
happens so frequently that he can recite it back to us on command. One afternoon I had to stay after work for a
meeting; Nolan was allowed to hang out.
Lori left him with his iPad, and I had him situated in our meeting room
on a beanbag. I turned around to check
on him and, there he was, in this room full of female teachers, digging in The
Valley. All I was able to say was, “Nolan...” As if we had rehearsed it (and I guess in a
way we had), Nolan replied, “Get your hand out of you pants.” Oh, how they laughed...
Way to stay classy, son.
~~Jon